3.1 Ripples in the Water

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If you have just stumbled upon this blog, there is more information on how it came to be and what it's all about in the introduction to the series - 1.0 When Faith Becomes Collateral Damage. All previous sections are available on my personal blog page.

As I go through John’s story, I'll stop periodically and think deeply about what Jesus said and did not say, what he did and did not do. I watch for thoughts with something “special” about them, new thoughts I would not ordinarily be thinking."It makes me exclaim, 'Aha!' and ponder, 'Why haven’t I noticed that before?'"

It is then that I must remind myself that insight and understanding are not the goals but two steps in a chain reaction designed to result in experience. (Silence —>  insight —>  understanding —>  actions -> character). It must be an unbreakable chain to produce results, like a chemical reaction, where substances are converted into different substances. Reactants are converted into products.

Converting truth into action produces a new me.

In my experience, when that chain is broken, anxiety increases – slightly at first, and then it builds to an unavoidable amount. Relaxation becomes almost impossible. Peace and joy diminish. Past shame and guilt resurface. Dreams turn into unsolvable problems and unreachable destinations. I can quickly become one of those who is "weary and heavy laden."

Confession

Confession. That’s been my state while writing this blog over the last few weeks. I have been so focused on putting something down on paper that I have overlooked putting something down with my life. I have been more concerned with writing something that will make you think more highly of me than becoming something I can be proud of.

While reading books on the spiritual life, I found myself comparing myself to the authors and coming up short. My vision has vanished; I have begun to perish - detached from who I am and my unique life. But that's enough about me, and hopefully, this confession is a first step back. 

A Thought That Brought Me Peace

 God is not a puzzle to solve or a scavenger hunt prize. Instead, it’s like getting to know a new best friend, little by little, every day. I try to see him in the shadow cast by my actions, like the ripples of a stone thrown in the water. Often, these actions are so close, commonplace, and ordinary that they don’t appear spiritual. Nonetheless, the peace and joy I feel, like the stones settling on the bottom of the lake, is evidence of his presence. 

Let's return to the process, the chain reaction that leads to peace and joy. My drill is to Sit in silence, eyes closed, and focus on my breath. I observe your thoughts, watching them go by, and note any “special” ones. When a distinctive thought appears from the solitude, I ask myself, “What does this mean?" "What does this mean to me?" "What possible action could be contained in this thought?” Then, I skim some stones across the water by taking action.  Sometimes I'm right; sometimes I'm wrong. But that's just part of the trial and error. Remember what Mother Teresa said, “I prefer you to make mistakes in kindness than work miracles in unkindness.”

This process often leads me to write something down, make a phone call or visit, give money, send a note, newspaper article or book, or do any of a thousand daily things. Next, I watch the ripples for those things that appear to “work," and look inward for peace, joy, and fulfillment. As Matthew Kelly said, “Set off a domino effect of goodness today with your Holy Moments.” (I should keep a list of these things and review it periodically to improve my listening ability or discernment. But maybe that’s too much. I do have a tendency to obsess the joy out of things.)

This becomes my “spiritual life.” While the process may be similar, each person has a unique spiritual life, filtered through their personality, skills, and circumstances. It is my deepest hope that my children and grandchildren experience theirs. You may be thinking, “Is it that simple?" My answer is, “You bet it is!" That’s why they call it “good news.”

“We need saints who love cinema, theater, music, dance, sports. We need sociable, open, normal, friendly, joyful fellow saints. We need saints who are in the world and know how to taste the pure and good things of the world, but without being worldly.”

— Pope Francis

We Begin One of the Most Famous Chapters in Spiritual Literature

CHAPTER 3  

1 Now there was a Pharisee named Nicodemus, a leader of the Jews. 2 He came to Jesus by night and said to him, “Rabbi, we know that you are a teacher who has come from God, for no one can do these signs that you do unless God is with that person.” 

Nicodemus had seen the ripples caused by Jesus’ actions, which he called “signs.” These ripples twisted the neatly arranged religious lessons he had spent a lifetime learning, leaving a slight "crack in the consciousness.” I can imagine that through this crack came the sobering thought that all he had learned up to this point might not be correct or may not be complete. I know that crack, those thoughts. I had them for two years after Millie's doctors said, "I'm sorry. There's nothing further we can do." I stared into the darkness and watched as my neatly packaged faith dropped from my mind to my stomach and made me wanna throw up.

The silent darkness revealed that either (a) God was not real or (b) my comprehension of God was incorrect. The feeling that came with it is similar to the one you get when driving (pre-GPS) and discovering you may be on the wrong road. Do you know that feeling? You don't know whether to pull over, speed up, or both - at the same time. Totally lost.

So, I put myself in Nicodemus’ shoes, a highborn, highly educated, religious leader who has devoted his life to studying and worshiping God. He’s a “letter of the law” man with a clear conscience. He strikes fear in the heart of the common man. He’s “all-in” and heavily invested in the manmade system surrounding this worship of God. His friends and family, paycheck and pension, success and self-esteem are all intertwined in this system. Into his milieu walks the dusty son of a day laborer, a self-proclaimed rabbi with no credentials and no pedigree. He strikes love in the heart of the common man. His teaching astonishes; his unclean hands heal. 

Seeing the Dark in a New Light

When I consider Nicodemus in this particular light, I cannot criticize him for coming to Jesus "by night." He had so much to lose that I am fascinated that he came to Jesus at all. To better understand the depth of his situation, I had a thought. I tried to project this scene into our current day by imagining the following scene: The president of a very conservative Christian denomination is reading the transcript of a recent sermon given by another pastor. This sermon resulted in dozens of conversions on the day it was delivered. He was impressed with the eloquence and biblical accuracy of the sermon and was astonished at the results. He must locate the pastor who delivered the sermon, and when he finally does, he discovers that the pastor is a woman. 

Nicodemus exhibits humility where one would expect hubris. He takes action where one would expect a reaction. He moves toward his confusion instead of away from it. Jesus highly regarded these qualities, as did Socrates and Confucius five centuries earlier. Socrates said, "Admitting one's ignorance is the first step in acquiring knowledge,” and Confucius taught, "Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.”

It’s OK to be In the Dark

As I feel myself being pulled toward this chapter's more familiar center, I don't wanna overlook John's key points about "Nicodemus in the Dark.” I want his lessons to sink deep within me: (1) become friends with your ignorance and (2) move toward your confusion. Do not stay deep in the ruts of “what I believe to be right.” At least stop and ask for directions. 

I need to spend a little more time here to drive the points home. As Jesus acted out of his consciousness, his actions produced "ripples" that others could see and caused a "crack” in their consciousness. Nicodemus’ reasoning was disrupted. He had deduced that men can only perform miracles if God is with them. Jesus performed miracles. Therefore, God must be with Jesus. (If A = B and B = C, then A must equal C.) However, this answer did not fit in the template of his theology. The result is what therapists call cognitive dissonance. 

I have lived with this profound mental/emotional disturbance. Our three-year-old Millie needed healing from rhabdomyosarcoma. God heals. We prayed. Millie died. Cognitive Dissonance. I was left with the choice to either force fit my reality into my theology’s template or allow reality to redraw its boundaries. I chose the latter, and I heard, read, and realized things that further "rattled my reasoning.” 

Nicodemus took action to address his confusion, and I should, too. Research, read, question, listen, and contemplate. Become comfortable in the confusion, or as Brene’ Brown says, “Always straddling the tension and trying not to tap out. Forever convincing ourselves that we can hold so many contradictory pieces and feelings. Not only are tension and contradictory pieces OK and normal — they're the magic sauce.” 

My Key Takeaway: Live the Questions Now

In his book, The Courage to Teach, Parker J Palmer wrote, "Be patient toward all that is unanswered in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Live the questions now.” I want to live a life that welcomes questions, sits with them, and recognizes there is so much that I do not know.

This is not just a way to live; it’s the only effective way to teach. As we attempt to gracefully convert the answers to our questions into actions in our lives, the ripples we create may rattle the consciousness of others. That's OK. This was Jesus’ first step in effective teaching – implanting questions in the minds of others that can only be answered by themselves, within themselves.

Do you have a question you are currently living with, something that is rattling your consciousness? If not, why not? That would be my first question. There are so many things to discover. The extent of our ignorance is so vast. Jot down any possibilities that come to mind. Don't wait for a traumatic event to prompt your questioning. That would be like waiting for a car crash to teach the importance of wearing seatbelts.

That's enough to think about for now. Let’s go skim some stones and make some ripples.

In the next section, we will watch Jesus teach Nicodemus by implanting questions in his mind.

Ps. You can always Google “most important life questions.”