1.8 Going Inside
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The inspiration behind this blog came from two significant events in 2021 - the passing of my three-year-old granddaughter, Millie, and my loss of faith. The primary objective of this blog is to confront my genuine thoughts and beliefs. My secondary goal is to document this journey for my grandchildren and their future generations, hoping it may benefit them someday. Please note that I aim not to offend or persuade anyone but to express my thoughts aloud. It is, in part, journaling, therapy, and prayer. I hope it will be helpful to you.
I used John's account of his friend Jesus to stimulate my thinking. I approached it with an open mind, imagining if Huck were telling the story of his friend Tom Sawyer. I hoped to gain insight into the timeless truth beyond my preconceptions. A full explanation is available in the introduction - 1.0 When Faith Becomes Collateral Damage.
In the previous section, "1.7 The Sounds of Silence," we delved into how John the Baptist came to comprehend his distinct identity and purpose and how he could identify Jesus as the Chosen One. In this extended section, we will further examine John's words in the same verses, looking for insights into his inner life and how these insights might be relevant to our lives.
1:30 This is he of whom I said, ‘After me comes a man who ranks ahead of me because he was before me.’ 31 I did not know him, but I came baptizing with water so that he might be revealed to Israel.” 32 And John testified, “I saw the Spirit descending from heaven like a dove, and it remained on him. 33 I myself did not know him, but the one who sent me to baptize with water said to me, ‘He on whom you see the Spirit descend and remain is the one who baptizes with the Holy Spirit.’ 34 And I have seen and testified that this is the Chosen One.”
How could John say Jesus came before him since we know that Jesus was born after him? Additionally, if John came before Jesus to introduce him, how could he now say that Jesus came before him? Here’s what I believe. John spent years in the silence of the wilderness developing his “inner life,” a life we all have - but few discover. There, he found the timelessness that accompanies all things spiritual - a place where before and after do not apply.
Would you like to get a glimpse of this inner space within you? Close your eyes and sit quietly for a few minutes, focusing on your breath and watching your random thoughts settle down. Now, ask yourself this question. How old do you feel inside? If we're honest with ourselves, it's difficult to place a number on it. If we do, most likely, it bears no resemblance to our chronological age. Do this often, and, like John, you will become acquainted with that ageless and timeless "you" that inhabits your body.
Here, in the deep blue water of his soul, John met his creator and first glimpsed his Messiah.
Spoiler alert. The following two paragraphs may be uncomfortable.
Finding this area of agelessness within ourselves may be more difficult in today's culture because we are obsessed with chronological age. This preoccupation causes us to think we're too young until we start thinking we’re too old. And there's always a “paid solution” to this discomfort. In this effort to stay healthy and live longer, I am tempted to pay for the same advice that was freely given and ignored in my 20s.
When I incorporated the idea of "living longer" into my silence, a series of questions popped up: "What is the purpose, Alan, of living longer? What is the benefit, beyond yourself, of a longer life? How does a longer lifespan enhance the lives of your family, friends, and community - in that order?” If you spend some time staring those uncomfortable questions in the face, you’ll see the Ego slip off stage, priorities rearrange, and a sense of purpose emerge.
Let's refocus on John the Baptist and his “inner life.” While we all like to think of a flash of lightning and the voice behind the clouds, I don't think it happened that way. Nor do I believe John passively contemplated "nothingness" and received information about his Creator. The evidence points toward an active search for truth with his Creator, where he wrestled with questions like those in the above paragraph. In this silent dialogue, John heard “who he was” and “what he was to do.” The development of his inner life produced a deep humility within him that allowed him to confess in gut-level honesty, "I myself did not know him."
In the months after Millie died, I came to the same confession as John, "I did not know him." I didn't even know if there was a "him.” I knew a lot about God and Jesus, had taught Sunday school for years, and was always called on to pray, but at that moment, I was speechless, answerless, and unable to address the questions in my children's eyes. I immediately decided to search for what I believed, not with my head, but within my consciousness, in my “inner life,” somewhere south of my head near my heart.
“The search, in its real sense, is the property of a part of the mind, of the self, that neither modern psychology nor establishment religion acknowledges. To search means, first, I need Being, Truth; second, I do not know where to find it; and third, an action takes place that is not based on fantasies of certainty - while at the same time, a waiting takes place that is rooted not in wishful thinking but in a deep sense of urgency.”
- Jacob Needleman, Lost Christianity
Ever since my younger days, I have sensed a presence within and around me, especially in the rare moments when I dimmed the spotlight of my ego and became quiet. Now, I would invite this presence into a daily silence session and follow its guidance through the gospel of John to rediscover what Jesus said about God. I knew that I had to be ready to accept that there is no God like the one I imagined since childhood, but I desperately needed the peace of knowing that I know that I know deep within me. Maybe this is the waiting in a deep sense of urgency that takes place, as Needleman said.
Off I went, reading John’s story of Jesus, but this time thinking, asking, listening, and journaling. Like an attorney preparing his cross-examination, I paid close attention to what was being said, what was left unsaid, what actions were taken, and what was left undone. In my search for answers about the method of Jesus' inner life, one question was whether certain routine activities were simply not worth writing down. He didn't mention taking breaks to eat lunch every day or taking baths in the river. We know they had to do those things. Even though there are a few references to Jesus wandering off to pray in the gospels, there is no outline of how often he did this or how he did this. Where were the periods of solitude?
Perhaps silence and contemplation were so ingrained in their routine that John felt they were not worth mentioning. Could they be like the other routine task, hiding from me in plain sight? Rabbi Rachel Barenblat shared her thoughts in her blog. “Contemplative practice in Judaism has taken a variety of forms, and bears a variety of names, but it's been a part of Judaism for a very long time. We read in Torah that Abraham connected with God in the morning, Isaac in the afternoon, and Jacob in the evening, so we do the same. And in Torah, what form did that connection take? In Genesis 24:63, when Isaac went out לָשׂוּחַ / la'suach in the fields, what exactly was going on? According to the classical JPS translation, that verb means "to meditate." So one could make the case that from the patriarchs on, Jewish prayer has always had a meditative component. Later, during the time of the Tanna'im (the 1st and 2nd centuries of the Common Era), Jewish mystics sought to elevate their souls by meditating on the chariot visions of Ezekiel. This became a whole school of contemplative practices known as merkavah mysticism." With the rabbi's explanation, I became convinced John deemed it unnecessary to explain this practice of meditation.
That began my search for how they believed, as opposed to what they believed. I am convinced that John the Baptist and Jesus developed their “inner life” with frequent periods of solitude, contemplation, and communication with God, and they are role models for a life of obedience to their inner voice. I began to see how their lives bore the hallmark of the true spiritual life: deep, inner peace, resulting in actions of grace, truth, and love. Isn’t that the deepest hunger of all people: this inner peace and outer actions of grace, truth, and love? A meaningful life, regardless of length that truly matters?* It has become clear to me that to interrelate with my Creator in this way will not come from knowledge alone but from experience.
To be quite candid or gut-level honest, much of my earlier longing to know about God came from wanting to be able to use him, which I've heard described as the "Butler God.” My prayers contained a consistent theme, “My will be done. Please help.” Help me provide for my family. Please help me get that new job. Help me have enough money to retire. And when Millie got sick, my invocation turned into demands: “Heal her,” “Please, heal her,” “Heal her, dammit!” Now, I was the one crying out in the wilderness. My butler had gone on vacation, AWOL, which brought me to the end of my rope - and the beginning of my search.
(*) When I find myself flailing around and inhaling the water in the deepest pool of grief, I remember this idea of the life we all wish for – a meaningful life that truly matters. Millie was only with us for 3 1/2 years and, yes, we have all seen our visions of her beautiful future vanish. However, her mantra, her deepest wish, was to be brave, strong, kind, and obedient to her Creator. She wanted to tell her story and change the world! She was all those things that give life meaning, and her spirit lives on, telling her story, and changing the world. mightymillie.org/
Her life mattered then - and to hundreds of children undergoing cancer treatment all over the country, her life matters still!
Key Takeaways
Learn the art of silence, and become acquainted with your true inner self.
Find out what makes your life matter to others.
Begin your ongoing search - “The proof is in the practice.”
That's enough for now. In our next segment, we explore John’s baptism, watch Jesus enter stage right, encounter two of The Baptizer’s disciples, and say his first words in the story – a simple yet intersecting question.
