5.4 - Searching but Never Finding
“The Birth of the Blog”
This week, I asked, "How did we get here? How did this all begin?” I don't mean life, but this exercise of reading deeply into John’s words about Jesus and journaling about something as inexplicable as God. It began with the death of my faith in February 2021, on the day our much prayed for Millie touched down in heaven, and many of us fell flat on our faith. Thus began my 40 years of wandering in the wilderness, 40 days in the desert, or three days in the belly of the whale. I was apart from God, but unlike Jonah, I was OK with it. In the words of a grieving friend, "God and I had decided to take a break from each other.”
But in mid-May of that year, during the dead silence that only grief can bring, I began to sense, "What if God is not dead? Only my Sunday school version of him?” Huh? Soon, into this quiet, like the call of a toddler from a too-short nap, came the question, "Do you even know what Jesus said about God?” “God is love” is all I could come up with off the cuff.
So, armed with this awareness of my ignorance, I introduced myself to John's story of Jesus and started walking slowly in their footsteps. I wasn't interested in what somebody else said about God or even what somebody else said Jesus said about God. Instead, what do I see, hear, and imagine deep within myself when I read what Jesus said? As I ambled along with them, trying to see who/what God is all about, my search became therapy, thinking out loud, even holding imaginary conversations with them to discover what I truly believe. This solitary search, this trying to see, became the "birth of the blog.”
Failure is Part of the Process
I must admit that there have been some confusing days when I write about peace and joy in the morning, but then I live anxiously through the remainder of the day - times when I “talk the talk” but don't “walk the walk.” However, isn't that a part of the growth process? For example, when it comes to weight training, you push your muscles to the point of exhaustion, allow them to rest, and then do it again. Failure is built into the process because you must push yourself to the point of failure each day to see incremental improvement over time. So, what appears to be hypocrisy to the rowdy spectator in the stands of my mind is improvement and transformation.
Am I not an imposter? Perhaps, but I’m an imposter in training! It was affirming to read these words from John Shelby Spong: "God must be understood as a verb, calling, informing, and shaping us and all creation into being all that we were created to be." If anything, God must be interactive. Richard Rohr states, "I am now a part of what I'm trying to see.”
Change the Filter on My Conscious
Let's walk on, finishing the fifth chapter of John's story.
31 “If I testify about myself, my testimony is not true. 32 There is another who testifies on my behalf, and I know that his testimony to me is true. 33 You sent messengers to John, and he testified to the truth. 34 Not that I accept such human testimony, but I say these things so that you may be saved. 35 He was a burning and shining lamp, and you were willing to rejoice for a while in his light. 36 But I have a testimony greater than John’s. The works that the Father has given me to complete, the very works that I am doing, testify on my behalf that the Father has sent me. 37 And the Father who sent me has himself testified on my behalf. You have never heard his voice or seen his form, 38 and you do not have his word abiding in you, because you do not believe him whom he has sent.
Don't see judgment or criticism in Jesus’ words. Instead, see the compassion and earnest desire to broaden their understanding. He has already “taken the stand” and testified to his identity - he is the son of the Father who gave the law. However, he knows that the "testimony of one man alone" is insufficient, so he offers corroborating evidence, citing John the Baptist. He expertly uses their earlier actions to shake their consciousness. Watch this! They rejoiced when the Baptist said the Messiah was coming. Why didn’t they agree when he said Jesus was the Messiah?
If eyewitness testimony is insufficient in this ongoing trial of his life, what about the evidence submitted, “the very works I am doing?” Jesus understands that the filter of their consciousness has impaired their sight and hearing. For them, God is a Noun with a capital N, a distant entity, an imperial, supreme being. He had chosen their tribe, and now, he was its sole possession and protection, as long as he was appeased, not unlike the god of my childhood.
For Jesus, God is internal and as much a part of all people as the DNA of their earthly father. His form is not “out there” to be seen and heard but “in here” to be experienced. God is interactive, a verb. He wants them to understand that they can't see him because they are now a part of what they are trying to see.
“As there is a code written into my body (genetics), there is also a code written into my being.”
What does this mean for us as individuals seeking to embody spiritual awareness?
It means that we must arrive at our true identity from self-realization. People will agree and disagree, but this should not influence our understanding of who we are.
Any effort to explain should stem from a place of love, with the same objective as Jesus of helping others realize their own identity, not to prove we are right.
Ultimately, our works or actions will always be the ultimate evidence. As Descartes wisely noted, “To know what people really think, pay regard to what they do, rather than what they say.”
Searching but Never Finding
39 “You search the scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life, and it is they that testify on my behalf. 40 Yet you refuse to come to me to have life. 
This reminds me of a saying from Sunday school, "You are the only Bible some people will ever read.” Jesus is saying, “I am the scriptures in living color.” It is as if they enjoy the search more than finding it. Jesus cannot comprehend that someone would search for truth and not run to it when they have seen it. In his words, we are to seek, knock, and ask with the objective of "knowing" the truth and its freedom - its life. But don't we humans do that all the time? We look at paint colors but don't paint. We try on, but don’t buy. We point out the problem but don't try to solve it. We argue concepts but don't adopt any of them. I heard of a friend once who went through the store filling up her shopping cart only to walk out without buying anything. Now, we can fill up and empty our online shopping cart without ever leaving our chairs. This continual search, but never finding, is incomprehensible to Jesus and exhausting to us.
41 I do not accept glory from humans. 42 But I know that you do not have the love of God in you. 43 I have come in my Father’s name, and you do not accept me; if another comes in his own name, you will accept him. 44 How can you believe when you accept glory from one another and do not seek the glory that comes from the one who alone is God?This poses a sobering question: from whom do I seek approbation? From whom do I want to hear, "Well done?” Face it, our egos love "glory from one another.” Jesus warns that we will never attain the level of belief that leads to eternal life by valuing the search above all else and seeking recognition for our knowledge of the search.
Again, this reminds those seeking the path: the value comes from walking on the path, not merely finding the path.
Chandler and I once stood on the remnants of the Oregon Trail in Wyoming. We were not in Oregon and would only be there if we followed the trail. Why would anyone searching for Oregon not travel the trail once they have found it?
It Must Be True: If A + B = C
45 Do not think that I will accuse you before the Father; your accuser is Moses, on whom you have set your hope. 46 If you believed Moses, you would believe me, for he wrote about me. 47 But if you do not believe what he wrote, how will you believe what I say?”Jesus leaves him with an ancient example of what we now call the transitive property of equality. If A equals B and B equals C, then A equals C. If you believe Moses, and Moses believes me, then you should believe me. If Moses believes me, and you do not believe Moses, how will you believe me?
Key Takeaways:
Beware of seeking the truth outside of oneself. External sources, even people, should illuminate the truth within you. Also, the truth within you should illuminate the truth within others, not shine the light on you.
Watch for duality. Don't fall into the trap of seeing yourself and God as separate entities. We are designed to be interconnected and interactive.
There's only one way to attain the life you seek, not through religious acts of seeking. It’s by believing God is in who you shaping you and all creation into being all that you were created to be."
