4.2 - Learning to Exhale
“Something offered, because it may be a help, not because I am certain that I am right.”
The Deep Unknowing
This blog began as a search for meaning amid the "deep unknowing" following our granddaughter's death. However, this search is not for the meaning of her death, for there is none there. Childhood cancer is as evil and as random as a drive-by.
Rather, the search is for the meaning of life itself, or put another way, "why live?” Sitting in the deep, heavy unknowing of a trauma’s aftermath, this is a logical question.
I mean, if Job’s children can be taken, if the rich man's barns can be burned overnight, and Millie can be ripped from us by cancer, why move forward? In this deep, heavy, suffocating unknowing, you face the “black poodle” and hear, “What’s the use?”
I can only imagine Mary and John had similar feelings early on that fateful Friday morning at the foot of the cross. At that point, they had no idea of Easter, no promise of Pentecost, only the cold, damp, naked unknowing. If you’ve experienced the aftermath of an out-of-order loss, you know this feeling; if you haven’t, I hope you never do.
How Do I Fight this Feeling?
How do you fight this feeling? Like Jacob, Achilles, and Menelaus, do you wrestle with God? Or, like Jesus, do you duel with the devil for 40 days and nights in the wilderness? Or, like Mary and John, do you turn, head down, and head home, one step at a time, to finish Friday, then suffer through Saturday, one breath at a time, with no sight of Sunday in the forecast? Perhaps you do all of the above - or none of the above.
There is no playbook for grief.
But, I can tell you that fighting the feeling, while perhaps necessary at times, is like pulling against the Chinese finger trap. In my experience, it only makes it worse.
Life’s Harsh Reality
Our woman at the well is also grieving - grieving the death of a dream, the dream of a good life that danced in the heart of the “little girl” inside her. Daily, she is now living a "death by a thousand cuts" from life’s harsh reality.
Modern-day, middle-aged men and women commonly experience a lighter version of this as some youthful dreams begin to die - but nothing so harsh as hers.
What was Jesus’ response? He used terms like "living water," and "will never be thirsty" to depict the life that is possible if she will shift the center of her universe, her center of gravity, from outside herself to inside her soul – to change the source of life from the external well (external circumstances) to an internal spring. (eternal spirit)
What does this mean for me, today? As I shift to this Pentecostal paradigm, moving God from "up there" to "in here,” my prayer becomes, “Thy will be done outside of me, as it is inside of me.” I seek unity between my internal spirit and my external actions, which produces peace as I sense the silent, “Well done.”
Internal Spring vs. External Well
God “in here” vs. God “up there”
“Outside of me, as it is inside of me” vs. “In heaven, as it is on earth”
“May good come through me” vs. “May good come to me”
Getting Heaven into me vs. Getting me into Heaven
Let's Go Back to the Well
16 Jesus said to her, “Go, call your husband, and come back.” 17 The woman answered him, “I have no husband.” Jesus said to her, “You are right in saying, ‘I have no husband,’ 18 for you have had five husbands, and the one you have now is not your husband. What you have said is true!”The first fact that floors me is that she didn't lie. She could've said, "OK" and left, never to return. Or replied, "He's off on a journey,” and dodged any embarrassment. Yet, she didn’t. She told the truth. And, I can hear Jesus applaud her candidness in his words, "You are right in saying" and "What you have said is true.” “Living water, you say?” She’s interested.
Husbands. Our woman had more than Kim Kardashian and less than Elizabeth Taylor, but these were not celebrity marriages. They were survival marriages. Life had compelled her to use her body and existence for daily subsistence, running into ridicule and headbutting hardship to barely get by. She must think, "This man knows all about me, yet here we are, talking." Message received. Interest increased.
In the scene, Jesus demonstrates one of the gifts of the spiritual life, what Paul later called the “word of knowledge.” Quakers define it as the name for “knowing things you have no reason to know.” Among Pentecostal and Charismatic Christians, it’s often defined as the ability of one person to know what God is currently doing or intends to do in another person’s life, or knowing the secrets of another person's heart. Just imagine, being so attuned to your spirit that you're able to speak "life" into another person.
19 The woman said to him, “Sir, I see that you are a prophet. 20 Our ancestors worshiped on this mountain, but you say that the place where people must worship is in Jerusalem.” 21 Jesus said to her, “Woman, believe me, the hour is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. 22 You worship what you do not know; we worship what we know, for salvation is from the Jews.“Stay Focused, Alan!”
There is more in these four verses that we will not discuss than we will discuss. Things like: how she engaged her masculine energy to discuss religion, and he employed his feminine energy with a gentle explanation; how the conversation must've been much longer, and these are just the subheadings; how human nature, when discussing religion, defaults to the finer, less important points; was this a one-time occurrence or a synopsis of multiple, similar meetings at a well. Those are interesting to me, but would cause me to stray from my objective in this project: to uncover "what I believe" and make it accessible to my grandchildren and their children. Stay focussed.
Knowing vs. Knowing About
The key lesson for me and any interested future generations is the value of knowing compared to knowing about, experience over knowledge. In two verses, 21 and 22, Jesus shocks and shapes her consciousness by reframing religion into a relationship and salvation into an ongoing experience.
He makes relationship and salvation two sides of the same coin and I need to flip it over and look more closely at each.
Jesus and the woman are talking about the “Creator of the Universe,” and he uses the word “Father.” “Well, rock my religion,” she must have thought! A “Creator of the Universe” you can know about, but a Father, you do life with, you experience, you know very well. Karen's father passed away too early at age 46 when she was 19. Although I have heard stories about Ed Chandler and certainly know about him, I have never experienced him and will never truly “know” him. Karen had a relationship with him; I have a few fun facts. Make sense?
What Comes to Mind When I Say, “Salvation?”
I shy away from the word salvation because of its current connotation. Today, it's too religious, too “once-and-done, and collect your prize on the way out.” When John told his story about Jesus, salvation meant “ongoing deliverance or preservation from danger.” For first-century citizens of the Roman Empire, this danger was an ever-present threat, especially for a woman and, more so, a woman with no means of support. Jesus had just offered her a "spring of living water" and now deliverance from danger.
In my time, the threat of danger comes more from inside than outside, from faulty wiring, a corrupt consciousness, and less than helpful habits.
It's sobering to realize that the greatest danger to me is me. Therefore, salvation is an ongoing process of delivering me from me - a personal reclamation project that consists of creating connections, correcting consciousness, and adjusting actions.
John wants me to know, just as Jesus wanted the woman to know, that this salvation comes through a relationship with the Creator, as dear and deeply engaging as with a good Father. Their small band of Jews had experienced this and were exporting it to the world, one “woman at the well” at a time.
Key Points to Remember.
In most people’s lives, a trauma will occur that calls into question what we have believed about God. In that moment, remember life is one breath at a time, one step at a time.
I must move God from “up there” to “in here,” making the center of my universe internal, not external.
Salvation comes through transformation, resulting from an ongoing relationship with a good Father, a superior coach.
In the next segment, we'll see how Jesus continues to challenge her consciousness around the subject of worship, another too-religious word that has been watered down in the modern world.
Thanks to Anne Lamott and her book, Stitches, for the phrase “deep unknowing" and the image of Mary at the foot of the cross. I lifted the Faust “black poodle” reference from the book, Transformation, by Robert A. Johnson. I recommend both.
A note about the one breath at a time method. In her article, The Importance of Breathing: Hail the Exhale, Natazha Bernie, DPT, says, “Scientists are just beginning to understand how exhale-dominant breathing benefits us. Blowing air out stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS). The PNS governs the relaxation response that combats stress and enables us to relax, digest nutrients, express ourselves, heal, and recover from trauma and injuries. The PNS also helps us appreciate beauty, feel pleasure, and think of creative solutions to our problems.
