1.0 When Faith Becomes Collateral Damage

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This blog is for me. I can only get a good glimpse of my thoughts as I write. Only as I review it in black and white do I understand what I believe. That is my goal: to come face-to-face with what I genuinely think. My secondary goal is to leave a record of my search for my grandchildren and their children, hoping it may benefit them. I hope it helps you too.

Many, if not all, of my deeply held beliefs died on February 8, 2021, along with my three-year-old granddaughter, Amelia (Millie) Claire Mracek. Millie was diagnosed with rhabdomyosarcoma in May of that god-awful year 2020, and she fought valiantly for ten months through rounds of radiation and chemotherapy. She fought; we prayed. Her family, her friends, and hundreds of others prayed. We all prayed to the God "up there,” who we had been told loved us, numbered the hairs on our heads, and would answer if we only asked. He didn't, and she died. 

What is the word for a parent who loses a child or a grandparent who loses a grandchild? There isn't one. There is also no restful sleep when you’re awakened by dreams of unidentified grandchildren in danger, and you cannot get to them to help. 

My faith became collateral damage in this valley of the shadow of her death. I could not hold simultaneously these two thoughts in my mind: my Millie’s death and a prayer-answering God. In the darkness of my unbelief, I began to see and despise the rationalizations I had routinely used to keep my belief intact: he did answer; he just said “no,” God’s timing is not our timing, I must’ve sinned or done something wrong, and my faith is not strong enough. I could not and would not give God a “pass this time.” 

However, if my God had died, what then? What am I to do? Where am I to turn? Suddenly, the ground under my feet didn’t feel so solid. What will be the foundation on which I build the rest of my life? I can see the rationale of the atheist, but I don't have the heart for it. I admire the serenity of the Buddhists and Taoists, but I can’t grasp the nothingness. I needed to decide, “Will I lumber through my remaining days with this heavy, hopeless heart of grief, or will I begin to search for something to breathe life into the corpse of my soul?" Then, on the now blank chalkboard in the darkened classroom of my mind, I faintly saw these words being written, “What if it’s only your comprehension of God that’s dead?” 

This challenging question became the catalyst for my search for a new understanding. As a child, I was told to approach the illogical and "just believe," to look at the irrational and “take it by faith." In other words, "fake it till you make it.” There's no time for that now! At the risk of sounding oxymoronic, I am pursuing an "evidence-based faith” that can be questioned, examined, and verified. For my remaining days, I choose to live in a state of discovery that will chart a path and add life to my grandchildren's years. 

I have read many authors of different persuasions over the last two years but always sensed that my "truth" must come from within me. If it had any hope of overriding my well-established mental and emotional patterns and “making me free,” this truth must be ignited in and burn through my spirit - my spirit. Also, the process would require regular periods of solitude, silence to hear myself think, and the discipline to write it down. I dedicated the first hours each morning, at least for as long as it took to drink 2 cups of hot, black coffee. 

In the initial attempt at sitting, thinking, and writing, my mind was like a frightened squirrel in close quarters. My thoughts bounced off the wall, and I needed help to calm them down and arrange them in some order. I stumbled upon brief, guided meditations on YouTube that helped me settle my mind. But I also needed a “source document” that I could use to keep my thinking within certain boundaries. Where can I find a story of someone who found the truth within himself and followed it through the best and worst times? I settled on John's account of his friend Jesus. I read it as one would: “a Rorschach reading or inkblot interpretation, which is when an ancient text means whatever your modern mind decides it means,” warned John Dominic Crossan. I trusted my spirit to interpret.

I began with the two presuppositions and a question. Firstly, John was not writing scripture but the narrative of his life with Jesus. If it's not too much of a stretch, think of Huck telling of his exploits with Tom Sawyer. Secondly, he was writing not to be understood by theologians but by everyday people. It only stands to reason that if God is accessible to anyone, he must be accessible to everyone, even “the least of these.” Right? Finally, my question was, “How did Jesus understand God, and what did he say about him?” History shows that he understood so clearly God that he followed him to his death. 

Approaching John’s story this way, it became clear that Jesus was more interested in showing me "how to believe" than "what to believe." Remember that.

I can think of four ways this account of my search for an evidence-based faith may disappoint you.

• If you're looking for a silver bullet, a single answer to all your questions, you'll not find it here. You may find a method that helps you discover it independently.

• You may find this offputting if you have closed the door on anything related to Christianity.

• Conversely, if you're looking for a Bible study on the gospel of John, this is not a reliable source. However, here's a link to the top five commentaries on the gospel of John.

• Also, if you're looking for a manual for dealing with unfathomable grief, there are better options, like my friend Randy Gregg or author Megan Devine.

Please think of this more as a travelogue of my journey from the known through the unknown to the knowing - search for a truth that will stand up to examination. There will be open highways, roadblocks, and detours that will make the trip interesting for you. Sometimes, I have added personal anecdotes because I might never get around to sharing them with my grandchildren any other way. 

Please understand this record of my search for truth is my search alone. Documenting this search is not an attempt to convince you of anything. If anything became clear to me, we must walk this journey alone and within ourselves. The earlier we understand this and become comfortable with that, the better.

I agree with James Clear, who says of his writing, “My approach is to empower, not to prescribe. I'm not interested in telling you which habits you should build or which choices you should make. You know what works for your life and circumstances better than I ever could. Instead, I want to equip and empower you with ideas and strategies so you can make your own choices and do the things you want to do." 

In the following weekly installment of this blog, we will begin. But for now, I will leave you with an Instagram clip from Rainn Wilson that I discovered along the way. 

I welcome your questions and comments below.